Who I am ?

Who i am ? 

My name is SaM,

I am 32 years old and today I am Mister Rubber France 2018.

I say “today” because it was not an obvious thing for me to be able to live my fetishism and blossom in this life.

My adolescence

Younger, when I was about ten years old, I was already, without knowing it, a fetishist. I asked my parents to enrol me in sports clubs when I wasn’t really interested in their sport. In fact, I really enjoyed the lycra and neoprene equipment.

At the age of 15 I downloaded a video of a guy who was tied to a chair. He was wearing a strange black suit. This dark, tight-fitting material that excited me behind my computer screen was rubber. It was my first contact with this fetishism.

At 15, it’s also the age when I discovered my homosexuality. Discovery that I’ve been through a lot. I was homophobic on my own and couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. Being a fetishist in addition to being gay was a double penalty for me.

Then I went into depression. It lasted for three years. Three years during which I was out of school and made suicide attempts.

Acceptance of my sexuality

Fortunately, I was fortunate to have the support of my family to help me accept myself. Slowly, I went back up the slope to learn not to consider myself as a stranger in my own body. It was difficult. After three years, I finally had my first love and sexual intercourse with people of the same sex. Without feeling guilty about it…

What about the fetish in all this? During that time, I put it aside. I put all my energy into accepting myself, preferring not to complicate things even more. Still, I was always thinking about that rubber guy’s video.

Acceptance of my fetishism

I had to wait for the total acceptance of my sexuality to start thinking about this fetishism that attracted me.

I bought my first tight-fitting outfit in a sports shop to have fun alone in my room, but I was actually fantasizing about rubber.

Unfortunately, alone in my campaign, it was a challenge of acceptance that awaited me. I didn’t know what to do, what to do, with whom and how? So many questions remained unanswered.

I signed up for some of the first fetish sites of their kind. I tried to find out more about that part of me. That’s when I discovered that I was far from being the only one who liked it.

I started talking to guys. For weeks, for months. I virtually exchanged on the subject, to try to understand and accept.

At the same time, I met a guy I fell in love with. A guy out of the middle of a fetish. I did not want to discuss this subject with him and therefore doubted the possibility of one day accepting and living my fetishism.

The discussions, the exchanges, the answers to my questions gave me more and more desire to cross this new milestone of the acceptance of myself, I decided to discuss it with him. It was difficult, but I needed to say it. Need to talk about it. Need to move forward. Need to live.

To my great surprise, he listened and understood me and encouraged me to make my first rubber purchase. To, finally, feel this matter on my body.

My first purchase was an integral suit.

I got my suit. This fantasy that I had been having for several years was finally going to come true. I immediately put on this outfit, explored this new part of me. It was a revelation.

From that day on, I knew that I could not live without this sensation, without this matter.

The first steps in the fetish world

Unfortunately, there was still a shadow. Wearing rubber is a first step. But living one’s fetish is another. My boyfriend had no fetishism.

I’ve never seen any other latex guy except my reflection in the mirror. Wearing rubber alone, at home, and having a fetish life only through a computer screen has become frustrating.

That’s why I wanted to take another step forward, that of meeting other fetishists. I asked a guy, with whom I had been trading for months, to meet. He agreed. He spent an entire weekend at home. He took his rubber with him.

That weekend was the first time another guy wore rubber in the same room with me. I was able to touch a body other than mine in this matter. It was the ecstasy for me.

The months have passed. I wanted more. I wanted to meet all those people I saw in photos on social networks. I wanted to have a drink in a bar dressed in my suit. I wanted to live my fetish outside my bedroom!

After many months of doubts, I went to my first fetish event: an aperitif in the city of Lyon.

When I arrived, I was lost. I didn’t know anybody. My rubber hidden underneath my jacket, I didn’t dare to go towards the others. I didn’t dare show myself. Fortunately, it didn’t take long for people to come to see me, to talk to me, to come and reassure me. This evening for which I had hesitated so much was a moment of happiness too short to my liking.

My fulfillment

On that day, I knew that my development would go through the social side, through meetings and exchanges.

I then began to travel more and more to participate in fetish events. I’ve met more and more people. I’ve made more and more friends.

My boyfriend, who became my husband in the meantime, also met people with whom he shared interests beyond the fetish. Giving him in turn the desire to live these moments with me.

Slowly, the one who dreamed behind his computer screen while looking at the fetish pictures had gone to the other side. I didn’t ask myself any more questions, I was finally myself, after so many years of doubts and hesitations, so many years lost!

I, in turn, began to receive messages from people who were discovering their fetishism and asking questions. Who told me they admired the fact that I’m assuming who I am. Who told me what I had said to others a few years earlier.

But, no: I’m no more fortunate than anyone else. My journey to live my fetishism has been long. Tired. Difficult. At 32, I spent more time doubting my life than enjoying my fetishism. I’ve lost so many years for doubts and unfounded fears! And that’s what I want to avoid to others today!

Mister Rubber France 2018

That is why I ran for the election of Mr Rubber France 2018. To tell my story. Share my experience.  Make myself available and help everyone find their place. For me, it was the virtual encounters that allowed me to accept myself. It was then the real encounters that allowed me to blossom. Today, in my turn, I want to help everyone accept themselves, grow and be proud of who they are. Avoid wasting every moment of an already short life.

#BeYourself

On November 18,2017, I was elected Mister Rubber France 2018. Sharing my story led others to share their own. Some people have become aware of the importance of living their fetishes.

For this reason the initiative #BeYourself was born. So that everyone can declare themselves proud of their fetishism, proud of themselves. So that everyone can share their stories and inspire others. Encourage them to move forward.

At the age of 32, after years of doubts and years of fears, I finally turned a page in my story.

Today, another one begins… Yours…

#BeYourself